Feeling Sorry For Myself Today
I woke this morning with a shrill ringing in my ears. The vibration so intense the pressure from the neuro-vibration was actually making my eardrums twitch.
Muscle spasms pulse as the inner corner of my eye puckers in a permanent cramp freezing each eyeball into place.
My lips are tingling and numb, my head is thrust backwards as my shoulders shrug in a cement like spasm forcing my chin in the air...
And then there's the pain....
Deep at the base of the brain it starts like my head is resting on the pain.
Like a sword has punctured the back of my skull and angled upwards and erupts through the bridge of my nose........
My throat is in a spasm and my tonge is pressed upon the roof of my mouth so hard you could actually hear a "Schmuckle" sound as I swallow and my tongue shifts its bond.
I am dizzy, the pain and spasms take over and it feels like my spine is curling sideways.....
I never talk about this....but today I feel very vulnerable and in the mood to share the horror of what makes me different today.
The monster that gripped me for a solid year 24/7 in 2005-2006 leaves me this migraine of a remnant of the time Normal took on a whole new meaning....
This is like a reckoning. A reminder to me how fragile all this life is and a notice to those who sometimes don't realize that I am sick because most days I seem FINE because I look normal.
Damn thing about neurological injury! No outward deformities or scars or war wounds to identify you as disabled in some fashion.
Some days my confidence still falls apart.
I know when the bad migraine is coming. In my head I am crying and screaming because I am not doing well at keeping the affasia at bay when the bad headache is coming.
Affasia doesn't go away for me. It is there but it is a purposeful act for me to stop the wrong word from coming out before it reaches my lips. It is like when the brain injury happened the affasia was so strong I didn't know the wrong word was going to come out until it was already said. Then as my body started to heal a bit I felt like I was thinking about my speech at lightning speed to catch the word before it came out of my mouth wrong. Which sounded like me studdering to fix the word as I spoke. Then as I healed more I got better at heading off the word at the pass. On my great days I just seem to pause a lot when I speak...and I can fool everybody.
But the thing is I am thinking every word through as a conscious act not a subconscious one, so I am constantly stressed if I am speaking. It is exhausting. This is why I rarely speak to someone on the phone. This is why I like being alone now. (actually absolutely need to be alone now)
I choose the days I have lots of contact with people. No one knows that. Well now they do...
I teach to challenge my mind. Like a physio therapy for my brain. The classes put me on overdrive but I figure I have to exercise my lightning word catching speed three times a week. Like going for a workout at the gym.
But on the pre headache and headache days ( I interchange migraine and headache- there is no difference for me now) my lightning word catching speed is set to "Turtle" and so the "Mumblypeg" in me is clearly visible.
People also comment on my memory. Most folks don't know I used to have a complete photographic and audiodynamic memory. Means I could remember a visual picture of anything and I could remember full conversation quotable from the past. This is why I can remember folks personal stories so well. Like the fact that MaryAnn liked her toast just passed by the toaster when we were kids, or the Fact the Laurel has a January Birthday or that Mike wore glasses and was left-handed and I havent seen him since 1981. My past memories are perfect.
But ask me to remember anything at all from 2004 and I don't know it. I remember 5 different days from 2005. I remember most of 2006. I remember from 2006 to three weeks ago. Then nothing.
The past three weeks of my life in a perpetual action are missing. But in three more weeks I will remember them fine. So if I had an exam I would have to study for it three weeks prior to the date of the exam or I would remember nothing. I then retain it in my long-term memory fine.
The consolation the education of like is not wasted on me it is just three weeks retroactive!
Problem of this is there is stress to it. Each day I awake to a new panic. Something I just remembered I have to do or tell someone but I was supposed to do it three weeks ago!
To lesson my stress I have a very large daily planner so I can referr to all my appmts and committments. I write myself notes three weeks ahead in the calendar to help me stay on track.
The tough thing is forgetting about the calendar. This sometimes happens.
Blogging helps me know what I did. And things like Twitter are great quick references. Email is a life line as I can re-read the mail. Converstation boxes and forums help me to. Well the threads references in the email are the actual true helper to me.
I have to keep all my thread historys for about a month to help me stay on the ball with stuff.
Well now I have completely scared you off. I am going to sleep. I am getting weird flashes of lights in my vision field now...
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Feeling Sorry For Myself Today