Thursday, February 11, 2010


It is very late at night. Tomorrow I will have the first of this series of diagnostic procedures called a cystoscopy.
It is an easy procedure to go through. It is a quick look inside the bladder with a camera.
The Dr. says he uses a bit of anesthetic cream on me then puts a catheter in my bladder and looks over it all on the inside to see if there is any cancer in there.
He is also going to see if he can figure out what is causing the leaking, so we know what he will have to do when he repairs it later.

I am a bit nervous about the catheter, as I have never had one inserted while I was awake before.

It really isn't the catheter keeping me awake tonight is this emotional roller coaster I feel I am on with all this health stuff just compounding and compounding itself upon me.

99% of the time I am completely fine, then something will happen and I will be just an emotional wreck.
I had to go to a funeral in the past month, and that day in the service I could not get out of my head that "this could be me"-that it could be my funeral next.
Some days it gets weird like that! You know in your rational mind that so far everything is working out, even if it is overwhelming, but the mind drags you into this abyss for a few moments and your outlook is just so drastic!

I will watch a show on TV about a grandmother, then I think I will probably never see that age.......

This isn't really a new concept for me. I have always known my health issues will shorten my life somewhat,but I also know that it is probably still going to be longer than my Grandparents' lives, and they lived into their 60's and 70's and didn't even try to take care of themselves, so I should be fine.

But there are just moments I think, should I write my eulogy?...or what?

When it is a bad day the 1% negative thoughts will get me.

So I have decided to do something about it.
I have decided to write a journal of short stories called MEMORIES
I will start with my first memory and work my way up.
This way I will be able to tell folks stories that almost everyone has never heard about me, and I will also keep my head full of really cool and fun things instead of staying in that weird 1% negative area.

So tonight I write you:


My first memory is a sensation. A sensation I was really addicted to as a baby. To this day the sensation still brings back the vivid memories I am about to share.

I lay in my crib, not far from the window; and the dresser was close to the crib( in my parents' room.)
There were venetian blinds, and the sunset would bleed through the slats causing shadow lines all around the room.
I could see sunbeam streaks on the walls and my bed, and if I looked just the right way I could see dust sparkle in the beams as they flowed by.

It was my favorite time. After bath and full of slumber thoughts.
The last rays of sun were saying good night to me, and my eyes would get heavy.
I would just be waiting for that great sensation. As sleep began to get ahold of me I would feel like I was floating-up-up-up,then I would feel like I was dropping fast!....then I was asleep.

I still get those same sensations before my sleep. And almost every time my last thought is of that memory.

There was time soon after this that I remembered being naughty. I woke early after a nap and was really curious about things. I played with whatever I had in my crib and then worked on trying to stand up. I remember finally figuring out how to stand, and quickly realized my Mom's purse was on the dresser by my bed. I rooted around in it with my stretched out hand and I could touch two things, a comb and a lipstick.
Well the comb was boring, but the lipstick was fun!
I only actually remember drawing on the dresser mirror with the lipstick but, after that I remember having to get a bath, so I probably have a memory of convenience when it comes to how much of a mess I actually created. :)

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