Thursday, February 25, 2010


It just seems the I am surrounded by negative stuff in my life right now.
It is the weirdest thing, not having one new innovative story to tell that has nothing to do with medical tests or weird swelling of yet another organ or something....

But I have kept mum about this last freaky medical incident because frankly it is frigging boring.

I am so bored by my world circling around my strange medical cellular deformities( and that refers to body cells, not cell phones..) that I am seriously thinking of packing in this medical victim routine, and get on with something good and juicy like writing, or crafting....

Of course the body is just not letting me do that yet.
I have just gotten back into being able to type (type/ keyboard-same difference)so I am feeling slightly freed from my dumb shoulder injury. But I don't have any stamina for anything... blech! And I still am in really horrid pain. (which is lately expressed in a teeth grinding, lip biting scream to stop from passing out:" OH FUuuuuuCkkkkkkkk.......ahhhhhhhh.....Geezus Fucking....Son of A Bitch! Shit! Shit! Shit!"

So back to the original tangent.....last week my face swelled up like a balloon.....just on my right side, from my nose to behind my ear, from my forehead to under my chin. Plus I had green puss coming out of my eye! Dr thinks I have a stone in my perotid gland, and he has put me on a heavy dose of cipro and has ordered a face ultrasound on the gland.

(footnote: in 1995 I was diagnosed with Sjogren's disease which caused my perotid glands (the saliva glands in my cheeks and my tear ducts to dry up and gave me chipmunk cheeks my sjogrens is more than likely at the root of all my connective tissue issues including the VIN3)

So as you can see we have had just another hiccup to add to the slue of them I have been dealing with reguarding my health for the past year. It has caused me to hit the breaking point.
I have taken two steps back from all of it and took a whole afternoon to hit my mind deep in a meditative state, to help me process the whole of it.

What I got from the meditation was that there is a problem with some choices I have made within this recovery. I allowed the inability to dictate my day, instead to grasping the inability as an opportunity to dwell on some things I kept saying I would get to if I had the time. I have tons of time now and I have done none of it.

I am not talking about being able to clean a room or decorate a floor of the house. I am talking about introspective stuff. The meat of life we avoid so often, because avoiding it is the easier path.
In my spiritual life the path has always meandered through my life as the path of choices. If I played it safe the path was smooth and boring and I didn't learn much, but when the path became difficult and challenging and there were no easy choices, I also would compartmentalize the situation to help me fit into it, and I would go from compartment to compartment analyzing the info within it and taking what I needed form it. I would learn huge from the grandness of the situation, but then the situation would lead to the path with way too many choices... And when I had exhausted all the easy ways I would end up facing hard and fast a strong message that would force me to take a second look at the big picture of my life......often illness would be the catalyst for the "knowing" I need a change.

I neglected my spiritual life again. I do it sometimes for self preservation, and sometimes I do it because I have had enough and I feel I cannot keep up the pace my spiritual pursuits can sometimes drag me into kicking and screaming.....
The truth is: sometimes I force myself to tune out "the dead people", and I tune down my spidey senses and troll in non-psychic bliss.
Hanging out there usually gets me in trouble.......
But in the same sense, hanging out in the non tingly zone of the brain is like a refreshing nap.
Sometimes it is just necessary.......even if you feel like hell when you wake up!

(to be continued)


julietk said...

Oh shit you are having a hell of a time. My mum had and now my hubby has multi serious health problems and it can really make you feel depressed. I hope you can get your spirits up in all ways. Hugs Juliet

RennyBA's Terella said...

Sorry to hear you have to go through this - hope it's kind of a comfort that I'm thinking of you!